Mera source code padh kar hasnaa nahin,
Ise chalata dekh tum fasna nahin,
Main testing karta hun boss ki kasam,
Bina piye Whiskey , Beer ya Rum,
Bill Gates milaa mujhe raste mein,
Beche Windows humne saste main,
Usne kaha "Tujhe CEO banaoo",
Ghar tere aake Operator ban jaoon...
Bill Gates ko kaha mere ghar na aanaa,
Bill Joy ko bol diya naa baba naa,
Chahe Boston me dede mujhe BMW car,
Ya H-1 pe dede mujhe dollar dus hazaar,
Par development ke liye main to kachha hoon,
Dus saal se Porting me atkaa hoon,
(slow)
Mere daddoo, likhe software,
Binaa use kiye, koi Hardware,
Meri beti, banegi Aunty,
Jab tak install hoga NT
(fast)
Release ho raha hai mera Software nayaa,
Unix ko DOS pe hai port kiyaa,
Microsoft ne jab mera H-1 kiyaa,
Bug free Windows maine release kiya...
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
WELCOME TO HOTEL KERALA-FONIA
On the road to Trivandrum
Coconut oil in my hair
Warm smell of avial
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a bright pink tube-light
My tummy rumbled, I felt weak and thin
I had to stop for a bite
There he stood in the doorway
Flicked his mundu in style
And I was thinking to
myself
I don't like the look of his sinister smile
Then he lit up a petromax
Muttering "No power today"
More Mallus down the corridor
I thought I heard them say
Welcome to the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Such a lousy place,
Such a lousy place (background)
Such a sad disgrace,
Plenty of bugs at the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Any time of year
Any time of year (background)
It's
infested here
It's infested here
His finger's stuck up his nostril
He's got a big, thick mustache
He makes an ugly, ugly noise
But that's just his laugh
Buxom girls clad in pavada
Eating banana chips
Some roll their eyes, and
Some roll their hips
I said to the manager
My room's full of mice
He said,
Don't worry, saar,I sending you
meen karri, brandy and ice
And still those voices were crying from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them pray
Save us from the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Such a lousy place,
Such a lousy place (background)
Such a sad disgrace
Trying to live at the Hotel Kerala-fonia
It is no surprise
It is no surprise (background)
That it swarms with flies
The blind man was pouring
Stale sambar on rice
And he said
We are all just actors here
In Silk Smitha-disguise
And in the dining chamber
We gathered for the feast
We stab it with our steely knives
But we just can't cut that beef
Last thing I remember
I was writhing on the floor
That cockroach in my appam-stew was the culprit,
I am sure
Relax, said the
watchman
This enema will make you well
And his friends laughed as they held me down
God's Own Country? Oh, Hell!
Coconut oil in my hair
Warm smell of avial
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a bright pink tube-light
My tummy rumbled, I felt weak and thin
I had to stop for a bite
There he stood in the doorway
Flicked his mundu in style
And I was thinking to
myself
I don't like the look of his sinister smile
Then he lit up a petromax
Muttering "No power today"
More Mallus down the corridor
I thought I heard them say
Welcome to the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Such a lousy place,
Such a lousy place (background)
Such a sad disgrace,
Plenty of bugs at the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Any time of year
Any time of year (background)
It's
infested here
It's infested here
His finger's stuck up his nostril
He's got a big, thick mustache
He makes an ugly, ugly noise
But that's just his laugh
Buxom girls clad in pavada
Eating banana chips
Some roll their eyes, and
Some roll their hips
I said to the manager
My room's full of mice
He said,
Don't worry, saar,I sending you
meen karri, brandy and ice
And still those voices were crying from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them pray
Save us from the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Such a lousy place,
Such a lousy place (background)
Such a sad disgrace
Trying to live at the Hotel Kerala-fonia
It is no surprise
It is no surprise (background)
That it swarms with flies
The blind man was pouring
Stale sambar on rice
And he said
We are all just actors here
In Silk Smitha-disguise
And in the dining chamber
We gathered for the feast
We stab it with our steely knives
But we just can't cut that beef
Last thing I remember
I was writhing on the floor
That cockroach in my appam-stew was the culprit,
I am sure
Relax, said the
watchman
This enema will make you well
And his friends laughed as they held me down
God's Own Country? Oh, Hell!
Desi Bryan Adams kaisa gayega Summer Of 69??
I had my first real six rupees,
stole it from my father's pants.
went to a madrasi hotel,
to eat the sambhar of 69.
Me and some kadke dost,
had it all and we caught bukhaar,
jimy puked, joey got ulcers,
and Bagga ne maari dakar.
Oh when I went back there now,
the food was as stale as ever,
and though it was 1999,
still the sambhar was being served over there,
that was the worst food of my life.
Therez no use in complaining,
when you got no other place to eat,
rushed in the evening to the doctors clinic, but he too was at the toilet seat, yeah
standing there waiting outside,
nurse told me I will wait forever,
oh and when I held my breath,
I knew that I had to use that loo there
That was the worst food of my life.
BACK 2 SUMMER OF 69
stole it from my father's pants.
went to a madrasi hotel,
to eat the sambhar of 69.
Me and some kadke dost,
had it all and we caught bukhaar,
jimy puked, joey got ulcers,
and Bagga ne maari dakar.
Oh when I went back there now,
the food was as stale as ever,
and though it was 1999,
still the sambhar was being served over there,
that was the worst food of my life.
Therez no use in complaining,
when you got no other place to eat,
rushed in the evening to the doctors clinic, but he too was at the toilet seat, yeah
standing there waiting outside,
nurse told me I will wait forever,
oh and when I held my breath,
I knew that I had to use that loo there
That was the worst food of my life.
BACK 2 SUMMER OF 69
Super Computer
The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
"This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".
At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.
"Where is my father?" he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.
Clever Guest laughed.
"Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!
It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa."
"This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".
At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.
"Where is my father?" he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.
Clever Guest laughed.
"Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!
It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa."
Laloo Prasad & Bill Gates
The following is the conversation between Lallo Prasad Yadav and Bill Gates.
Gates : Hi! you must have heard of Windows.
Lallo : Oh yes! In most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.
Gates : At home have u installed Windows?
Lallo : I have removed all windows due to increased burglaries in our house.
Gates (Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?
Lallo : OPERATION ? Yes I had a Hernia operation last month.
Gates (Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
Lallo : Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net.
Gates : By the year 2000 India should export computer chips.
Lallo : We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
Gates (Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops?
Lallo : My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
Gates (Heavily Sweating): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.
Lallo : RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P..
Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.
Lallo : I have exhuasted all my leave.
Gates : I have no energy left let us go out and have a bite.
Lallo : BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
Gates : (System Crashes and Found Missing). "Windows is restarting.Please wait............."
Gates : Hi! you must have heard of Windows.
Lallo : Oh yes! In most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.
Gates : At home have u installed Windows?
Lallo : I have removed all windows due to increased burglaries in our house.
Gates (Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?
Lallo : OPERATION ? Yes I had a Hernia operation last month.
Gates (Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
Lallo : Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net.
Gates : By the year 2000 India should export computer chips.
Lallo : We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
Gates (Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops?
Lallo : My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
Gates (Heavily Sweating): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.
Lallo : RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P..
Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.
Lallo : I have exhuasted all my leave.
Gates : I have no energy left let us go out and have a bite.
Lallo : BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
Gates : (System Crashes and Found Missing). "Windows is restarting.Please wait............."
Computer lingo meaning for a farmer!
LOG ON: Making the wood stove hotter
LOG OFF: Don`t add wood
MONITOR : Keep an eye on the wood stove
MEGAHERTZ: When a big log drops on your barefoot in the morning
FLOPPY DISK : What you get from piling too much wood
RAM: The hydraulic thing that makes the woodsplitter work
DRIVE: Getting home during most of the winter
PROMPT: What you wish the mail was during the snow season
ENTER: Come on in
WINDOWS: What you shut when it gets 10 below normal
SCREEN: What is a must during black fly season
CHIP: What you munch during Vikings games
MICROCHIP: What`s left in the bag when the chips are gone
MODEM: What you did to the hay fields last July
DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix`s wife
LAPTOP: Where the grandkids sit
KEYBOARD: Where you suppose to put the keys so that Misses can find them
SOFTWARE: The plastic picnic utensils, ya?
MOUSE: What leaves them little turds in the cupboard
MAINFRAME: The part of the sauna that holds up the roof
PORT: Where do commericial fishing boats dock
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When you can`t remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when the wife asks about it.
LOG OFF: Don`t add wood
MONITOR : Keep an eye on the wood stove
MEGAHERTZ: When a big log drops on your barefoot in the morning
FLOPPY DISK : What you get from piling too much wood
RAM: The hydraulic thing that makes the woodsplitter work
DRIVE: Getting home during most of the winter
PROMPT: What you wish the mail was during the snow season
ENTER: Come on in
WINDOWS: What you shut when it gets 10 below normal
SCREEN: What is a must during black fly season
CHIP: What you munch during Vikings games
MICROCHIP: What`s left in the bag when the chips are gone
MODEM: What you did to the hay fields last July
DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix`s wife
LAPTOP: Where the grandkids sit
KEYBOARD: Where you suppose to put the keys so that Misses can find them
SOFTWARE: The plastic picnic utensils, ya?
MOUSE: What leaves them little turds in the cupboard
MAINFRAME: The part of the sauna that holds up the roof
PORT: Where do commericial fishing boats dock
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When you can`t remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when the wife asks about it.
If Microsoft made cars
General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did... What if Bill Gates built a car ...
THE MICROSOFT ROCKET
So you climb into your new Microsoft Rocket.
You turn the key. A Head-Up Display (HUD) on the windshield lights up with the following message:
Customer:>
Baffled, you open the owner's manual and look up "Starting your new Microsoft Rocket." The book says that when you see Customer:>, you should type the word AUTOS and hit the horn button. You do, and the windshield turns white, and little pictures start forming all over the windshield, about 1 per second, until the windshield is so full of them you can hardly see out of it. You look closely at these pictures and notice that they have words on them like "ENGINE," "TRANSMISSION," "FUEL SYSTEM," and "IGNITION SYSTEM."
Still the car has not started. The owner's manual says that you should now take your mouse (stored in the center console) and start activating all these systems by double clicking on each one of them. So you do.
After about 5-6 minutes since you first turned on the key, the engine in your Microsoft Rocket sputters to life.
Slowly you pull away, and everything seems normal as you cruise down the street. You decide to turn on the dealer installed radio. As soon as you turn it on, the engine dies, all four wheels lock up, and the car screeches to a halt. A message pops up on the windshield and says:
"System Conflict: An unknown accessory has been installed. You should turn off all systems and restart your automobile. Contact manufacturer of accessory and ask him what he did wrong. Do not contact Microsoft, nothing is our fault."
So you turn off the radio and start over.
Soon after this, you are again cruising down the road. Up ahead, you see a stopped school bus. So you take your mouse, and move the cursor on the HUD to the menu item that says "TOOLS."
Clicking on that item, a drop down menu drops down, and lists several items, one of which is "VEHICLE CONTROL SYSTEMS."
You click on that, and several other menu items come up, one of which is labeled "BRAKES." But "BRAKES" is in gray letters, not black, and you have this sickening feeling that you forgot to turn this feature on.
So you quickly hit the escape key and move the cursor to "SETUP." A few more quick clicks and you see the menu item called "ACTIVATE BRAKES." Just as you are about to hit the mouse button, you hit the bus.
Now imagine what General Motors might do if cars were bought like computers...
Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened.
Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
Helpline: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?
Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere.
Helpline: Is the petrol tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
Helpline: There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?
Customer: To 'E'. What does that mean?
Helpline: It means that you have to visit a petrol station and purchase some more petrol. You can install it yourself or pay the petrol station to install it for you.
Customer: What!??! I paid $12,000 for this car, and now you're telling me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in.
Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: Hi. I've just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes and power door locks.
Helpline: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer: How do I work it?
Helpline: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Do I know how to what?
Helpline: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!
Helpline: Where do you want to go today?
Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: Your cars suck.
Helpline: What's wrong?
Customer: It crashed, that's what went wrong!
Helpline: What were you doing?
Customer: I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, but then it crashed and now it won't start!
Helpline: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?
Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!
10 commandments of email
Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter (Am I guilty?).
Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
And, here's the "Golden Rule" of e-mail: That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
REMEMBER THE TIME
A computer was something on T.V.
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of goat
An application was for employment
A program was a T.V. show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened in your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web site was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu
I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of goat
An application was for employment
A program was a T.V. show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened in your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web site was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu
I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
Some Nice Jokes here...
Customer : I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer : Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and
all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
_________________________________
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Tech support : What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer : A white one...
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Customer : Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support : Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer : Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support : That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer : No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on
my desk... sorry....
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Male customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates, damn it!
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try,
it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in
front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Customer : I have problems printing in red...
Tech support : Do you have a color printer?
Customer : Aaaah....................thank you.
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Tech support : What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer : A teddy bear my boyfriend bought fo r me in the supermarket.
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Customer : My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer : No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer : OK
Tech support: : Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer : Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer : Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Tech support : Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter
V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer : Is that 7 in capital letters?
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Customer : I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support : Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer : Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support : Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer : Five stars.
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Tech support : What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer : Netscape.
Tech support : That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Customer : I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Tech support : How may I help you?
Customer : I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support : OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer : Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the
circle around it?
__________________________________________________ ____________________
A woman customer called the IBM help desk with a problem with her IBM Infoprint printer.
Tech support : Are you running it under windows?
Customer : "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The
man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and
his printer is working fine."
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Tech support : "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the
screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program
Manager."
Customer : I don't have a P.
Tech support : On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer : What do you mean?
Tech support : "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer : I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
__________________
Thats all for today
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer : Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and
all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
_________________________________
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Tech support : What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer : A white one...
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Customer : Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support : Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer : Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support : That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer : No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on
my desk... sorry....
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Male customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates, damn it!
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try,
it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in
front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Customer : I have problems printing in red...
Tech support : Do you have a color printer?
Customer : Aaaah....................thank you.
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Tech support : What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer : A teddy bear my boyfriend bought fo r me in the supermarket.
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Customer : My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer : No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer : OK
Tech support: : Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer : Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer : Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Tech support : Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter
V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer : Is that 7 in capital letters?
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Customer : I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support : Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer : Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support : Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer : Five stars.
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Tech support : What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer : Netscape.
Tech support : That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Customer : I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Tech support : How may I help you?
Customer : I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support : OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer : Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the
circle around it?
__________________________________________________ ____________________
A woman customer called the IBM help desk with a problem with her IBM Infoprint printer.
Tech support : Are you running it under windows?
Customer : "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The
man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and
his printer is working fine."
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Tech support : "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the
screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program
Manager."
Customer : I don't have a P.
Tech support : On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer : What do you mean?
Tech support : "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer : I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
__________________
Thats all for today
ABORT, RETRY, IGNORE?
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed machine! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know, the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed machine! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know, the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Newton 's laws of software. ..
Law 1: Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or forwarding mails unless he is assigned work by manager.
Law2: The rate of change in the software is directly proportional to the payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate as when deadline force is applied.
Law 3: For every Use Case Manifestation there is an equal but opposite Software Implementation.
Law 4 : Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant!
Law2: The rate of change in the software is directly proportional to the payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate as when deadline force is applied.
Law 3: For every Use Case Manifestation there is an equal but opposite Software Implementation.
Law 4 : Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant!
An Internet Geeks Prayer
Help me log-on without fretting
Guide me as i'm internetting
Bless my downloading and uploading
Keep my browser from exploding.
May my website be protected
Let not my password be rejected
Keep my line always connected
And may all my inputs be accepted.
Please keep my programs alive
And remember to back up my hard drive
And protect my computer from a crashing dive
From a virus that would make it a nesting hive.
Guide me as i'm internetting
Bless my downloading and uploading
Keep my browser from exploding.
May my website be protected
Let not my password be rejected
Keep my line always connected
And may all my inputs be accepted.
Please keep my programs alive
And remember to back up my hard drive
And protect my computer from a crashing dive
From a virus that would make it a nesting hive.
Some New Error Messages Planned for Microsoft Windows XP 2010
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log out"
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot BJP? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
1 Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log out"
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot BJP? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
1 Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Top Ten Reasons Why Computers Are Male ?
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shinny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
The Ten Commandments of DOS
I am thy DOS, thou shall have no OS before me, unless Bill Gates gets a cut of the profits therefrom.
Thy DOS is a character based, single user, single tasking, standalone operating system. Thou shall not attempt to make DOS network, multitask, or display a graphical user interface, for that would be a gross hack .
Thy hard disk shall never have more than 1024 sectors. You don't need that much space anyway.
Thy application program and data shall all fit in 640K of RAM. After all, it's ten times what you had on a CP/M machine. Keep holy this 640K of RAM, and clutter it not with device drivers, memory managers, or other things that might make thy computer useful.
Thou shall use the one true slash character to separate thy directory path. Thou shall learn and love this character, even though it appears on no typewriter keyboard, and is unfamiliar. Standardization on where that character is located on a computer keyboard is right out .
Thou shall edit and shuffle the sacred lines of CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT until DOS functions adequately for the likes of you. Giving up in disgust is not allowed.
Know in thy heart that DOS shall always maintain backward compatibility to the holy 2.0 version, blindly ignoring opportunities to become compatible with things created in the latter half of this century. But you can still run WordStar 1.0
Improve thy memory, for thou shall be required to remember that JD031792.LTR is the letter that you wrote to Jane Doe three years ago regarding the tax deductible contribution that you made to her organization. The IRS Auditor shall be impressed by thy memory as he stands over you demanding proof .
Pick carefully the names of thy directories, for renaming them shall be mighty difficult. While you're at it, don't try to relocate branches of the directory tree, either.
Learn well the Vulcan Nerve Pinch (ctrl-alt-del) for it shall be thy saviour on many an occasion. Believe in thy heart that everyone reboots their OS to solve problems that shouldn't occur in the first place.
Thy DOS is a character based, single user, single tasking, standalone operating system. Thou shall not attempt to make DOS network, multitask, or display a graphical user interface, for that would be a gross hack .
Thy hard disk shall never have more than 1024 sectors. You don't need that much space anyway.
Thy application program and data shall all fit in 640K of RAM. After all, it's ten times what you had on a CP/M machine. Keep holy this 640K of RAM, and clutter it not with device drivers, memory managers, or other things that might make thy computer useful.
Thou shall use the one true slash character to separate thy directory path. Thou shall learn and love this character, even though it appears on no typewriter keyboard, and is unfamiliar. Standardization on where that character is located on a computer keyboard is right out .
Thou shall edit and shuffle the sacred lines of CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT until DOS functions adequately for the likes of you. Giving up in disgust is not allowed.
Know in thy heart that DOS shall always maintain backward compatibility to the holy 2.0 version, blindly ignoring opportunities to become compatible with things created in the latter half of this century. But you can still run WordStar 1.0
Improve thy memory, for thou shall be required to remember that JD031792.LTR is the letter that you wrote to Jane Doe three years ago regarding the tax deductible contribution that you made to her organization. The IRS Auditor shall be impressed by thy memory as he stands over you demanding proof .
Pick carefully the names of thy directories, for renaming them shall be mighty difficult. While you're at it, don't try to relocate branches of the directory tree, either.
Learn well the Vulcan Nerve Pinch (ctrl-alt-del) for it shall be thy saviour on many an occasion. Believe in thy heart that everyone reboots their OS to solve problems that shouldn't occur in the first place.
Full Forms Part 1
PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms.
IBM - I Blame Microsoft.
ISDN - It Still Does Nothing.
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers.
RAM - Rarely Adequate Memory
ROM - Really Old Machine
APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity.
SCSI - System Can't See It.
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics.
LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis.
DOS - Defunct Operating System.
IBM - I Blame Microsoft.
ISDN - It Still Does Nothing.
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers.
RAM - Rarely Adequate Memory
ROM - Really Old Machine
APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity.
SCSI - System Can't See It.
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics.
LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis.
DOS - Defunct Operating System.
Computer RAM
The function of RAM is to give us guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest, most tumescent MEMORY. This is important, because with today's complex software, the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is, if you're a guy, you cannot have enough RAM.
----------------
Dave Barry
Dave Barry
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